An Overwhelming Guilt
by seamuxfinny
Summary: Merlin is near death, and it's all Arthur's fault. Lots of angst. Merthur!
1. Chapter 1

**Some angsty Merthur for everyone on Christmas!**

Arthur didn't know that it was possible to feel so much pain. He had been through the most horrific physical injuries and sicknesses, but none of them compared to the pain he felt now; the pain he felt even though there were no wounds on his body. He stared up at Merlin's pale white face, every ounce of his body wishing that the dark haired boy would open up his eyes and be okay. He wanted nothing more than to see Merlin smile, and to hear his stupid voice again. But he didn't believe that would ever happen.

Merlin wasn't dead, but he was as close as it comes. It took Gaius over an hour to stop the bleeding, and by the time he had done so the sword wound on Merlin's stomach had become an angry red color with infection. Gaius had told Arthur that it was unbelievable that the boy was still alive at all, considering all the blood he had lost. He also said that Merlin was as good as dead, and would probably never wake from his unconscious state. Arthur asked if there was something, anything that he could do to help his friend, but Gaius said that there was no way he could help the dying boy.

Arthur hated the feeling of helplessness. It clawed at him and made him feel like the most useless person in the entire world, because his best friend was going to die and he couldn't do a single thing about it. He sat next to Merlin's bed, holding his hand and watched as he got paler and paler with each passing hour. He could see how even in his sleep, Merlin's face was scrunched up with the terrible pain of his wound. Seeing Merlin in pain and not being able to do anything about it was killing Arthur, and he couldn't seem to see any light at the end of the tunnel.

But the feeling that was ten times worse than the helplessness or the fear was his guilt. It was all his fault that Merlin was laying here two feet from death. There was no one to blame but him. He had done this; he was the one at fault for all of Merlin's pain. It was a burning feeling inside of his chest, eating him alive because he knew that if it weren't for him, Merlin would still be happy, healthy, and safe.

Arthur's grip on Merlin's small hand tightened as he looked over his body. He had never looked so small, so pale, or so skinny. It didn't seem fair that he should be laying on a bed dying, while having done absolutely nothing wrong. Merlin had simply been asked to come along on a simple hunting trip because Arthur wanted the company. He hated himself for bringing Merlin along, if he hadn't then none of this would have happened. Merlin would be his old, happy self.

Maybe if they had gone hunting in a different part of the woods, then Merlin wouldn't be dying. Or maybe if Merlin had been feeling a little sick that day, and couldn't come with. Maybe if Arthur hadn't been so distracted during the trip. Maybe, maybe, maybe, maybe, maybe. His head was filled with the word. If only one tiny thing had been different, then none of this would have happened. But maybe wasn't getting Arthur anywhere. No matter how hard he thought about how little something could of changed to save Merlin, he wouldn't wake up. He couldn't change the past, no matter how much he wished that he could.

"You need to wake up Merlin, for me. Just wake up, please. Wake up! Come on, Merlin, wake up!" Arthur whispered to Merlin's unmoving form, tears starting to form in his eyes. No matter how much he begged, Merlin wasn't waking up. Knowing that didn't stop him from hoping, from pleading, from begging Merlin to come back to consciousness. Nothing would bring him back.

As Gaius quietly entered the room to give Merlin his medicine, he saw Arthur sitting next to Merlin's bed, clutching his hand with tears falling.

"Arthur, it's not your fault," Gaius said in a reassuring voice.

"Don't say that, Gaius!" Arthur screamed, "Of course it's my fault, everything is my fault! If it weren't for me, he'd still be perfectly fine!"

"It's not like you meant for him to get hurt, Arthur," Gaius said, trying to calm the Prince down.

"So? Who cares whether or not I meant to do it! I did, and now he's dying because of it!"

"I'm doing everything I can to keep him alive, Sire. I promise you that."

"But what happens when he does die? You said yourself that you didn't think he would make it! What am I supposed to do with all of that guilt for the rest of my life?" Arthur asked, his voice still in a loud scream.

"Arthur, I told you, this is not your fault," Gaius said again, attempting to bring Arthur's voice down.

"Gaius, how can you say that?" Arthur shouted, "I was the one who ran that bloody sword through his stomach!"

**I hope you enjoyed it, you'll get the story of what happened next chapter! Review please!**


	2. Chapter 2

**Thank you guys so much for the story alerts and reviews, they were so nice! Here's the next chapter, which is a flashback to what happened! Enjoy!**

"I can't believe you actually talked me into coming, Arthur. Do you have any idea how busy I am today?" Merlin said.

"Oh, shut up," Arthur said, "I can't stand going on hunting trips with just the knights for company, they can be so…boring."

"Are you calling _me_ interesting?"

"I didn't say that, you idiot."

"It was implied," Merlin said.

"Was not."

"Was too! You think that I'm interesting, you prat!"

"I most certainly do not. Let's just get back to the task at hand, please."

"What task? We're still just riding!"

"Exactly. Focus on riding," Arthur said.

"I will not _focus_ on riding! There's nothing to focus on!" Merlin argued.

"You should really do what I say, Merlin," Arthur said jokingly. The two bickered back and forth about the stupid argument, keeping their horses slightly in front of the Knights' ones. They hated when some stupid Knight tried to add his opinion to their arguments; it ruined all the fun. The ride only lasted for another half hour before they came to a clearing in the woods, and decided to set up camp there.

In the middle of setting up their weapons and equipment, a large, winged beast flew down into the clearing and gave a great roar, showing the Knights its long fangs. They hastily picked up their swords and began fighting the beast, but their blades didn't seem to be inflicting any pain onto it. Panicking slightly as one of his Knight's fell to the ground with a shoulder wound from one of the fangs, Arthur picked up his sharpest spear and threw it at where he thought the beast's heart was, but even his spear wasn't nearly enough to stop it.

Arthur and the Knights continued to fight the beast, but nothing they did seemed to be working. Just as the Prince was about to order everyone to run away from it as fast as they could, he felt a cold, skinny hand grab his shoulder and yank him out of the clearing. The hand pulled him behind a large tree, and he couldn't see the beast or his Knights anymore. Looking up to see who had dragged him, he saw a tall, skinny woman with dark red hair. He recognized her immediately from the last time he had been in the woods. He was forced to kill the woman's son, because he had already stabbed two of his Knight's to death, and had almost killed a third.

"_You,"_ the woman said coldly, "you're the man who murdered my only son."

"I'm sorry, but I had no choice. He had killed my Knights, and I wasn't about to let him kill any more of them," Arthur said, not breaking eye contact with the woman but itching to get back to the clearing and help his Knights.

"You have no idea what this is like; the constant pain. My son did not deserve to die!"

"Your son was a murderer! I killed him in defense of my kingdom and its people!"

"You need to feel the pain that I felt, you dirty scum!" the woman said with a look of disgust in her eyes.

"Please, calm down. We can discuss this in a better way," Arthur reasoned.

"Interficiam te diligis, qui maxime!" the woman said, her eyes flashing a deep gold as she did so. Arthur felt a shiver go through his body when she spoke the incantation, and his eyes widened when he realized that she was a sorceress.

"Sorceress!" He screamed, "What spell did you just put on me?"

"That is none of your business," she said simply before disappearing with a snap of her fingers. Arthur stared in the place where she was only seconds before, and stood in confusion for a few seconds before remembering that Merlin and his Knights were still up there with the beast. He could figure out what the sorceress had done to him after he defeated the creature.

When he got back to the clearing, he saw the beast dead on the ground and his Knights patting Merlin on the back. There was blood from the creature everywhere, and only one of his Knights had been injured in the whole process.

"Arthur, there you are!" exclaimed Gwaine, "Merlin here just defeated this creature! He picked up a sword from the ground and shoved it up a spot in the beast's neck, its only weak spot! He said that he'd read about them before, and that's how he knew."

Arthur looked at Merlin, and instead of feeling pride and warmth for the young manservant as he expected he would, he felt pure hatred. There was a terrible feeling welling up in the pit of his stomach, like he wanted to kill Merlin with every ounce of his being. A voice started whispering in his head, _Kill him, kill him, kill him now. Grab that sword and stab him to death. _But then another voice popped up, louder than the last, _No, don't kill him! He's your best friend, why would you want to hurt him?_

The two voices in his head started shouting at each other, and Arthur couldn't tell which one belonged to him and which one belonged to him and which one was foreign. They began to scream, one telling him to kill Merlin and the other telling him to do everything in his power to keep the manservant safe. His head started to pound with all of the confusion and screaming, and he felt like if it went on for one more second he would go absolutely crazy. He felt another shudder flow through his body, and the voice telling him to kill Merlin grew stronger and louder than the other one, filling his brain with noise.

His entire mind was suddenly filled with one objective: Kill Merlin. He gripped his sword tightly and started charging towards his manservant, screaming so loudly that he couldn't hear his Knight's shouts of confusion. He saw Merlin's terrified face come closer and closer as he ran, and the unexplainable rage he felt towards him grew stronger and stronger as he closed the distance between them.

After what felt like ages of running, he reached Merlin and shoved his sword through the smaller boy's stomach, screaming as he did so. The second the sword went through him the voices stopped, and Arthur realized what he has just done. He caught Merlin before he hit the ground, and held the bleeding man close to his chest.

His whole world was crashing around him. He had just run a sword through his best friend. How could he have possibly have done that? The last thing he ever wanted to do was hurt Merlin; he was the most important person in Arthur's life, and he had recently started to feel something much more than friendship towards his manservant. Arthur felt a terrible scream leave his own lips; this couldn't be happening.

"I'm so sorry, Merlin, I'm so sorry!" Arthur cried, feeling the other man's blood soaking him, "don't die, please don't die!" He rocked Merlin's now unconscious body back and forth, feeling hot tears pouring out of his eyes at a rapid rate. His entire heart felt like it was being torn apart by a knife, and he didn't have any idea what to do about it.

Merlin couldn't die, he just couldn't. Arthur didn't think that he could go on without him, not after everything they've done together. It wouldn't be physically possible to live knowing that Merlin had died at is own hands. The guilt and fear was clouding Arthur's head as his body was racked by sobs, and he felt himself being torn away from Merlin by one of the Knights.

On the Prince's order, they sped back to Camelot as fast as they could; Arthur determined to get Merlin to Gaius so that he could live. Merlin needed to live.

**Review please!**


	3. Chapter 3

**Oh God. I'm so sorry that it's been so long since my last update! Things have been really busy for me with finals and I've been stressed out of my mind! I hope that you like this chapter, and I promise to get the next one out as soon as possible!**

It had been two days since Arthur had stabbed Merlin, and things weren't looking good. Merlin still hadn't woken up, and he was looking more fragile by the minute. His skin was white and cold, and his face was almost constantly screwed up in agony, even though he was unconscious. His wound was looking worse, the whole area was bruised, swollen, and red, but no matter what Gaius did it didn't get any better.

Arthur hated that Merlin was hurt. He hated that he was watching the life slowly leave Merlin's body, that he wouldn't wake up, that he couldn't do anything to help the poor boy, that his best friend was dying. But most of all he hated himself for being the one to put Merlin through this.

During the small winks of sleep that Arthur was able to get, he was plagued by nightmares. Each time his eyes closed, he had to relive stabbing Merlin through the stomach. Usually the nightmares would be of something bound to happen in the future, too. He would dream about Merlin waking up and hating Arthur forever, and of Merlin's heart stopping its beats. He was stuck in Hell, whether he was asleep or awake.

"Arthur?" Gaius said quietly.

"Yes, Gaius?" Arthur asked, his voice weak.

"Your father calls for you. Something about an alliance with a neighboring kingdom."

"Tell him that I refuse to go."

"Arthur-"

"No," Arthur said, cutting him off, "I'm not leaving Merlin! I'm never leaving him!"

"I understand that you want to be with him," Gaius said, "But it would really be best if you went. You know that your father is a very impatient man."

"I don't care about my father right now!"

"I know, I know. But Merlin's wound needs tending to as well, and it would be best for him if I could look at it without you hovering over him," Gaius said carefully, not wanting to sound rude to the prince.

"But what if we wakes up and I'm not here?" Arthur protested.

"Then I will send someone to get you right away. I doubt he will, though, and you won't be gone long. It'll be fine."

Arthur contemplated the thought for a moment before deciding that no matter how resentful he was about it, he had to go. "I suppose you're right. I'll go."

Then, to Gaius's surprise, Arthur leaned down and pressed a small kiss to Merlin's pale forehead. He stayed there a moment, before moving to Merlin's ear and whispering something so quietly that Gaius couldn't make out what he said. Arthur then stood up, ran a hand through his hair, and walked out of the room without another word.

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><p>Arthur practically sprinted through the castle, wanting to get back to Merlin as quickly as possible. Uther had kept him for much too long, or maybe it just seemed long given the situation. His heart was beating hard inside his chest as his last words to Merlin played in his head: <em>don't you dare die on me, Merlin. <em>He didn't know what he would do if Merlin had died while he was gone. If losing his only real friend wouldn't hurt enough, then the pain of knowing that he was the one to kill him would surely make it unbearable.

When he finally got to the door, Arthur took a deep breath before pushing the door open, preparing himself for the worst. Stepping in to the room, the first thing he saw was Gaius, sitting in a small chair, his face the epitome of devastation. The second that Arthur saw his face, his heart dropped into his stomach. This couldn't be happening. It just couldn't.

"Gaius! What happened? Oh God, Merlin, is he-?"

"No, Arthur. Merlin is still alive," Gaius said before Arthur could even finish the question. Relief immediately washed over the Prince, but it was quickly replaced with new fear as he saw that Gaius still looked so upset.

"If he's alive…then what happened?" Arthur asked carefully, not sure if he wanted to know the answer.

"The infection is worse than I thought and he's lost so much blood. He's got a day at most."

"Isn't there anything you can do?" Arthur said, his heart shattering at the words 'a day'. One single day wasn't long enough. He needed more time with Merlin. There were still so many things that he wanted to say to his manservant.

"I'm sorry, Arthur. He's hopeless."

"You mean that you're just going to give up on him?" Arthur said angrily, "you can't do that!"

"Arthur, you have to understand. There's nothing I can do."

"No, there has to be something! You have to be able to do _something_, Gaius! I can't just sit here and watch him fade away!"

"All I can do is make him comfortable."

"It's not fair!" Arthur exclaimed.

"What's not fair?"

"This! Why is there nothing that we can do? Why should he have to die for something that's all my fault?"

"Arthur, you were bewitched, it wasn't your fault," Gaius said, trying to comfort him.

"I should've fought harder against it! I should've beaten that stupid enchantment!"

"Arthur, please don't blame yourself."

"Can I please – can I just have some time alone with him?" Arthur said, sounding defeated.

"Of course, Sire. Call me if he wakes."

Arthur nodded to Gaius, and then made his way back up to Merlin's small room and sat down next to the bed. He grabbed Merlin's hand and squeezed it, hoping beyond hope that he would feel a squeeze back. But of course, nothing came.


	4. Chapter 4

**Yes, I realize that I am a terrible person for not updating for so long. I am very, very sorry. I got really sick, and then I got really busy, and then I nearly fainted at dance last night and things are just not the best right now, so I'm doing my best. Thank you all so much for the lovely reviews, favorites, and alerts. They mean a lot to me. I hope you enjoy chapter four! **

Only a mere hour and a half after Arthur had sat down next to Merlin, the young servant began to moan in pain in his sleep, each sound tearing though Arthur like a blade. There was nothing he hated more in this world than seeing Merlin in pain and not being able to do anything to help, especially when he was the one who caused it. With every blink of his eyes, Arthur's mind flashed back to the moment when he stabbed his sword through Merlin, forcing him to relive something that he would much rather have erased from his memory.

Arthur desperately tried to soothe Merlin when the pain seemed to be getting worse and worse, but despite his attempts of rubbing Merlin's knuckles and placing wet rags on his forehead, nothing seemed to be working. Not even Gaius's medicines were nearly enough to numb any of the pain, no matter how much he gave him.

It wasn't long before Merlin started to mumble things, at first it was nothing that Arthur could understand, but eventually the mumbles turned into coherent words. They were so quiet, though, that Arthur had to lean down and strain his ears to hear what Merlin was saying.

"Please…please help. Someone help me," Merlin mumbled, his eyes screwing up. "Make it stop…someone make it stop!"

Arthur's heart shattered as Merlin spoke in his sleep; the words cutting through him like ice. He wanted to be the one to help him, but there was so little that he could do. He tightened his hold on Merlin's hand, and wiped a tear that had escaped from his closed eyelids off of his friend's face with his thumb, oh so gently.

Suddenly, Merlin's eyes shot open as he awoke with a loud gasp from both men. Merlin looked straight at Arthur, and for a second his eyes filled with recognition and relief, but then something clicked in his brain, as he realized that he was looking at the man who had stabbed him and that relief quickly turned into terror.

"HELP ME!" Merlin screamed as loudly as he could, backing away from Arthur as he yelled. It didn't take long before he doubled over in pain from all of the screaming, both hands clutching at his stomach. Merlin began slowly rocking back and forth on his bed, the pain clearly too much for him to handle. Arthur cautiously reached a hand out and placed it on the other man's shoulder, but he shuddered in response and flinched away, clearly terrified of the blonde.

"Don't touch me!" Merlin shouted, his voice full of fear. Just then, Gaius burst through the door, having heard all of the screaming coming from the room.

"Merlin!" He exclaimed, clearly in shock.

"Gaius, get him away from me, _please!"_ Merlin pleaded, his words thick with terror.

"Arthur, get out!" Gaius practically shouted.

"But—" Arthur protested.

"Now! His heart rate is way too high with fear and if you don't leave, then he won't make it!" Gaius said, not caring that he was talking to the Prince of Camelot, his only worries currently on the dying boy in front of him.

Arthur quickly obliged, throwing Merlin one last look before running out of the room. He slammed the door behind him and slid to the ground, hot tears forming in his eyes. The look on Merlin's face was terrible. It was a blend of terror and pain, and Arthur didn't think that he could stand ever seeing that on Merlin's face again. He knew that Merlin would be scared of him when he woke up, and he had tried to prepare for it, but his attempts were definitely futile. He was supposed to protect Merlin, to keep him out of harm, and now Merlin was absolutely terrified of him.

Arthur squeezed his eyes shut tight, determined not to cry. He was the Prince, crying wasn't supposed to be an option. But then he heard Merlin scream in the room, clearly in unbearable pain, and Arthur couldn't stop the tears from coming. The began to rush down his face, hot and fast, and before he knew it he was shaking and sobbing uncontrollably like a child.

The tears wouldn't stop. Arthur kept trying and trying to calm himself down, but nothing he did worked. Merlin's screams and cries from the room right behind him didn't do much to help the situation, either, but Arthur refused to walk away. He put Merlin in this pain, and he was going to stay with him until it was gone, no matter what.

* * *

><p>Arthur had no idea how long he had been sitting against the door. It could have been mere seconds, or a whole lifetime for all he knew. Eventually, though, Gaius slowly pulled the door open and gave Arthur a pitiful look.<p>

"Arthur," Gaius said calmly, getting the Prince's attention.

"Gaius!" Arthur exclaimed, hastily wiping the tears from his eyes in an attempt to have at least _some_ dignity, "Is Merlin okay?"

"I've given him enough of the pain medicine to make it bearable, but unfortunately there's nothing I can do to make it go away completely. It's a great sign that he woke up, though. If we're careful, he might just make it."

"He's going to live," Arthur said, "he has to."

Gaius gave him a sad smile, not wanting to crush Arthur by telling him that Merlin's chances, while now a bit better, were still very slim.

"Can I see him?" Arthur asked, his voice desperate.

"Yes, I told him that you were enchanted, so he's much more calm now. He'll still be frightened of you, though. You're going to need to explain it all to him yourself."

"Okay," was all Arthur said before taking a deep breath and slowly pushing the door open.


	5. Chapter 5

"Arthur?" Merlin asked as he heard the door to his room creak open and lifted his head off of his thin pillow.

"Listen, Merlin…" Arthur began, keeping his distance from the raven haired boy as to not scare him like before. "I'm so, so sorry about all of this."

"Why would you be sorry? You're the one who stuck the sword through me," Merlin said in a quiet voice.

"There was a witch. She grabbed hold of me and said some strange incantation that I didn't understand, and before I knew it I was filled with the desire to kill you. And that feeling didn't go away until the second that my sword sank into your stomach."

"Is that true?"

"Of course it is. You know that I would never try to hurt you like that."

"Can you come here?" Merlin asked, his eyes tired.

"Are you sure? You can't possibly be comfortable being around me after what happened. I don't want to make you scared," Arthur said. He wanted to go sit next to Merlin so badly; to grab his hand, but he knew that he couldn't risk getting Merlin's heart too worked up. He wasn't about to let him get so much better only to fall back into unconsciousness.

"I guess I just trust you, you prat," Merlin said with a light smile.

"How can you trust someone who nearly killed you?" Arthur asked, moving only slightly closer to Merlin's bed.

"Well if you say that it was a witch, then I'll believe that it was a witch. Which makes this whole situation completely not your fault," Merlin said, gesturing for Arthur to sit down on the chair next to him.

"Don't you understand? It _is _my fault! I should've fought harder against the witch's magic; I should have been smart enough to run away from her when I saw her! I shouldn't have even brought you along with me in the first place. I should've left you here, where you'd be safe!" Arthur said, trying to not break down but knowing that he was failing.

"Arthur, listen to me. You can't blame this on yourself, okay?" He said, again gesturing for Arthur to come and sit down next to him.

"There's no one else to blame it on," he said, finally giving in and sitting down next to Merlin.

"How about that witch, huh? Surely she can take some of the blame."

"She was doing it all in the name of her son. I killed him in battle a while ago, it's not here fault that she was angry."

"Exactly. It's not her fault that she was angry, and it's not your fault that you were bewitched. See?" Merlin said, trying to make Arthur realize that he didn't have to feel guilty about what had happened.

Arthur sighed. "It's just…watching you bleed, writhe in pain, and very nearly die while knowing that it was my hand that shoved the sword through you…it was too much."

Merlin looked at Arthur affectionately, "I'm alive, though, see? Gaius said it's a good sign that I'm awake. He told me I might just have a shot at making it."

"You _are_ going to make it, Merlin. I'm not letting you die."

"Arthur, you have a lot of power, but this is one thing you can't control."

"Yes I can. I forbid you to die."

"Do you?" Merlin said with a small grin, "Well, I suppose that if I _do_ drop dead, you'll just have to stick my body in the stocks."

"Shut up, Merlin!"

"Wow, someone's touchy…"

"No, don't you get it?" Arthur said, "I can't stand the idea of living without you! I know that I call you an idiot and pretend that I don't care about you at all, but the truth is that I _need _you, Merlin. I need you, and I care about you, and I don't know what I would do without you, and goddammit, Merlin, I _love _you!"

Arthur was practically shaking with sobs, not being able to hold his emotions in any longer. He looked down at his feet, embarrassed as he was expecting Merlin to be disgusted at his love for him. He knew that he shouldn't have confessed his love for his manservant, but it had just slipped out. It was a secret he had kept for far too long, and now it was finally out in the open.

"Hey…" Merlin said, grabbing Arthur's hand, "It's okay, Arthur. I love you too."

Arthur's eyes widened and his mouth dropped open slightly in shock. He had expected Merlin to yell at him, to tell him he was disgusting, or to make him leave. No part of him believed that he actually loved him back. Arthur leaned forward and pressed his lips to Merlin's relishing the moment that he couldn't believe was happening.


End file.
